"Hahaha, you never leave the house without wearing lipstick and earrings." my college roommate and I laughed at our rearing by traditional, old school, authentic Southern belles.
Thankfully, my mother still fills my ear with maxims and mandates of the standards and methods of behaving as a lady, and yes, of course, she requires that I practice such lessons when in her presence and must lose sleep that I might stray from her advice when out of her sight.
Undoubtedly, attempting to fulfill the somewhat vague and ever-changing prerequisites to becoming and remaining a lady is harder than one might think and takes more practice than I like to admit. The physical, emotional, and social challenges of ladyhood are steep.
In one of my excessive naval-gazing conversations, another bold friend describes me as a wild-stallion, fierce and passionate, whom she feels she must punch in the face in order to get my calm focused attention. Although she assures me that this is a wonderful thing and is one of the reasons she loves me, she also informs me that I just take up a lot of space! Oh dear two times!! Although, I am working the curves, I know that she is actually not referring to my hips. She further elaborates that my energy is big and my personality large. (For better or worse, one of my many handsome male friends also informs me that I am indeed ‘big’ in persona.)
Such comments immediately trigger my insecurities and my desire to be true to myself but also to make my mother proud in the genre of the genteel.
So a few maternal teachings to start the party:
• Always wear a slip. It protects you and your clothing.
• Take Small steps, crossing one foot in front of another.
• Keep your shoulders down and back.
• Chew gum almost never and if you must, be discrete. Absolutely no smacking.
• Do not drink any beverage while walking across a room. Rather, carry your drink to the opposite wall, find your place and then enjoy your tasty libation.
• Clearly, burping is completely prohibited.
• Well…all bodily noises are not welcome.
• Crass, bawdy, lewd humor is banned due to untastefulness.
• Wear perfume in your armpits on top of your deodorant, “it will keep you feeling and smelling fresher.”
• Never leave the house unless you are ready to meet the public. Therefore, walking out the front door in ratty gym clothes is not an option.
• Wash and fix your hair. You will feel better about yourself if you feel that you look good anyway.
• Be demure. As a woman, you want to take up as little room as possible. When walking, take small steps keeping your elbows tucked in at your side.
• Use only refined language. Profanity just shows a lack of vocabulary and refinement.
• Try to discourage others addressing you by your last name. This comradeship from men is masculine and just slightly undesirable.
• Be wary of how many positions of leadership you take in communities in which you hope to find a husband. Men will not be a leader themselves and pursue you if you are so intimidatingly already leading large groups.
• Encourage men; which sometimes means letting them do tasks, even though you can occasionally, or perhaps often, do them better and quicker sometimes (and this will grate on your nerves!)
• Dress for your husband! If he is coming home at x:00 then get gussied up a tad. This shows respect for him and keeps your excitement high. Freshen the lipstick just before he drives up the driveway.
• Don’t wear white shoes or a white skirt, shorts, or pants from Labor Day to Easter.
• Wear sunscreen on the back of your hands and your face every day to prevent aging. Old age spots are actualities and the hands and face are particulary important, because other parts of the body can be covered more easily.
• When standing and visiting, keep your legs together and feet close. (I find ballet positions to be the most comfortable and easiest to balance and maintain.)
• Mid-drifts are completely unacceptable and/or outdated. Find shirts to meet your low jeans. Be careful of your pants when you sit, no public modeling of the new cute panties.
• When you walk, avoid laborious steps with much movement; instead, you want to ‘glide’ across the room…just float quietly through space.
• Don’t apply hairspray, perfume, or make-up/powder with white pearls on; these things will yellow/tarnish the pearl.
• Don’t let your hair get too long, down to your bra-strap just looks trashy. Keep it healthy and trimmed appropriately.
Really, the advice from my mom could probably fill a whole book. She has given me many practical tips and held many spring 2-a-day training sessions, for which I am actually quite grateful. Every time I see a poor gal awkwardly clunking through a restaurant in heels with little grace, I am simultaneously snobby and judgmental yet also retroactively glad for mother’s practice drills.
Although such specific applications of being a lady are helpful and totally earn me noblewoman points, the question remains how to be a lady in relationship with men? How does a lady let in and, then require a man to take the lead and initiate and pursue her and do the work to get the girl? Often, I know that I could do something faster and better, but should I always? Does that always serve me and the men in my life in the best way possible?
And what of this sentiment, ‘behind every good/strong/successful man, there is a good/strong/successful woman’? So what does it look like to be a confident, strong, successful woman with much to offer and yet be patient and relinquish the need to control or be the superstar? How do we encourage men, communicate honestly, take responsibility for the protection of our own heart, and yet not overstep this invisible yet definite line intentionally or inadvertently, because we thereby risk emasculating them by taking the reigns, unfairly forcing them to communicate with female emotional vocabulary/ articulation and undermine their own potential, as well as their desire and need to lead?
And our own desire to be lead, which most women like to defensively deny, because who wants to need someone? But what woman doesn’t want to feel protected, even though she won’t admit to ever needing protection? What woman can honestly say she doesn’t prefer the man to call her and put in time to plan a date, even though she is more than capable of calling him and planning it herself? Or doesn’t want to be viewed as strong, motivated, driven, and accomplished, yet simultaneously have and use the option of crawling in bed and just crying on his chest?
Sitting in a public coffee shop with no lipstick (or lip-gloss) and no earrings, I laugh to myself, as I realize often, the conclusion of my observing, practicing, thinking and writing ends in questions,… questions that lead to more daydreaming, observing, practicing, thinking and writing, to keep me up at night churning away in my little twin bed.
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